Big Thoughts, Light Pictures

Yeah yeah... haven't blogged in forever.
Lots of reasons. Mostly, I don't know what to say.
It's not that I don't have anything nice to say (though I am struggling to fall in love with the majesty that is Colorado)... really, I have nothing to complain about.
But whew! it's been a rather intense season. I know that I have a lot of them. I'd like to think I'm not one of those drama people, but my life never seems short of it no matter how I loathe the stuff.



When Jesus promised life to the fullest, there is no denying he wasn't kidding. But this new turn, this is big. So big. I have never felt normal... and maybe, who does? I supposed a certain sort of life when I was a teenager, but never until maybe a year ago, could I see the connect. But there is a sudden largeness.
Being separated from Brady for 7+ months was a challenge, but compared to the weeks following our reunion, the separation in many ways, was the easy part. I was in no way prepared for that.
And it's not that we don't still love each other. a lot! ... it's just that we kind of had to establish individual identities in the other's absence. I thought I was just staying busy and trying to pass the time as quickly and distractedly as possible, but I established routines and habits and expectations that never existed before. And so did he.



And he got to do a lot of stuff that he never would have if we were living as a family unit- nothing wrong, just being social. Hanging out with friends in soldierly fashion.
I can get jealous. I don't want to be that girl, but it does happen.
We have to rebuild trust from a weird place. What I feared more than another woman was that he would prefer the bachelor life to life with his family. Not many are afforded that kind of extended vacation from regular life. And perhaps it's not fair to call it a vacation, but on the weekends... it totally was.
So anyway- this place that we are in has been pretty consuming. It sounds like a bad thing, but actually, it's not. I was telling Brady's grandmother that it's funny, having to get to know your husband again after 11 years of marriage- one would think a measly seven months wouldn't count for much. She laughed in her wise way and said- "It's like another honeymoon."



And she's totally right. I don't know about yours- but for all the fun that was had in the first few months of our marriage, there was a lot of "adjusting" that included door slamming, yelling and crying. And believe me, I love this man to death and marrying him is one of the top most best things in my life. Maybe it's just me. I don't like change. If I won the lottery I would probably cry for days. No lie.
Anyway. Marriage is a story. I like our story, but sometimes one feels like they're living that scene in Indiana Jones where they're crossing over a pit of raging crocodiles on a skimpy rotting rope bridge.
But all I can tell you on this front is that, God answers prayers. It's not like I prayed to get an A on a test then studied my butt off and got an A... nope. I've been totally lost in the face of this. Helpless, had nothing at all to offer, no effort to make. On so many occasions, we just couldn't see eye to eye. I would fill up with fear and anger, helpless to open up or let anything in.



I don't know why I'm here baring the details of our marriage... if only to let you know that in spite of challenges- big hungry crocodile sized fears, and the faith of a rotten bridge, God has provided. He is providing. We are growing. More togetherly now, thankfully. And we're a living story worth telling. Maybe you can relate. You probably have a story, too... one where He provided so much more than you ever could have hoped for. I hope that is your story, too.

Untitled, originally uploaded by sunnyhudkins.

Greetings from the desert

On the last day of our trip, our bodies still feel like they're clinging to Eastern time, up with sun as always. It's funny about trips, experiences, it takes awhile to process what has happened. I think with travel there is an inevitable shift in perspective. At least if you are prone to shifting perspectives, which I am. And it has been the kind of trip where we have relied on others to entertain us for the most part. And no doubt, our sense of being well cared for was confirmed. We are rich in wonderful people, and I just don't think there is a greater earthly wealth than that.
That seems to be about all I have to say lately, that we are blessed. Infinitely. I hope that some day we will be able to share that.
There are some big unknowns on the horizon. But for now, the fears are definitely overpowered by the excitement of having our family all under one roof for a little while.
I think the hush of the desert is an image I will find myself returning to as the chaos of relocation builds momentum in the coming weeks.

Where we are, where we are heading

Well, I'm just as quiet and buzzing with overwhelm as ever before. But I like this place.
It's good. My husband as soldier is even more fun/awesome looking/steady/strong than ever. Of course, I am so anxious to live with him again, to share all the funny little things of life. But it's mostly not as hard as I thought it would be and occasionally a million times more difficult than I ever thought it could be.
Our boy is magic. I feel like I rarely say good things about him. But he's sort of like a meteor or something. I'm never quite sure how to process, not sure how to express who he is to me, how much I love him. Only that I am so blessed to be his mama, that every day through my sheer helplessness I am drawn even closer to our Creator who truly is the only one able to empower me with the patience, judgment and wisdom required of the enormous job of parenting. Brady aside, he is the smartest, funniest, most passionate, and adorable person I have ever met.
Here is good. We are blessed beyond words by our accommodations right now. It's ridiculous. And that's the small part. Getting to know Maryl and Ernie even better has been so much good. When we decided on this arrangement, there were so many factors- but mostly I wanted to do what would make for the best transition for Edward, and they have shown him (and me!) such bottomless patience and love. And a realness I adore... a realness I will forever strive for. They live what they believe and they practice what they preach.
2 weeks from today- Lord willing- we will be in Phoenix, catching up with Alex and Maggie, acquainting ourselves with their 100 lb puppy, "Banksy". And spending October weekends visiting Brady in Ft. Huachuca, AZ with a trip to Portland in between.
Tomorrow we start work on Edward's Halloween costume- a pirate this year. Year 2.5 of preschool is good so far. I'm harboring some paranoia about a stomach virus that took out half the class today- praying that we are either spared or it hits and clears before the trip. I won't lie, I immediately ran to Jungle Jim's to stock up on probiotics.
I'm currently obsessed with Pinterest
And Brady called tonight to tell me that he is 99% sure (or at least as sure as you can be without having been given orders) that we are going to be stationed in Ft. Carson, CO. Part of me is thrilled- it's exciting, new, beautiful... apparently he is the envy of many classmates (who have been assigned to upstate NY- brrrrr and Kansas, snore....) and we even have friends who know the area well when we have a bazillion questions. But... there's the reality that we are not playing a game. I am still in a weird way, not really realizing that we are doing this. Really, really. It's just a business trip, a uniform, it still feels so far away, this military business. But it gets closer and closer. And I hear the sun just shines and shines there... and I know that we are being taken care of. Step by step, we're not alone, we don't have to figure it all out. We don't have to be anything more than be who we are today, He will work it out for our good. He is so, so good.

Having big fun in Louisville

Sneaking in, for a quick chat.
I don't know what happened really, blog-wise. It's been slow going, I've been so quiet on the inside and my daily activities are a mad flurry of bathing suits, water bottles, portable food... loading and unloading the car, driving to and from the Y or King's Island or Jungle Jim's (for more portable food). I've generally been saving all my written words for letters to Brady while he is at Basic Training in South Carolina.
A very long time ago (2006?)I started this blog with the intent of posting the something I planned to create every day.
It never quite served that purpose, but it has been a good place for me to go for accountability and inspiration. I love having a record of what I have made, where we have gone, just revisiting times in our life.
But everything is in transition right now. Our family for starters, but I feel like more. The blog world... the makers and the mamas. So much has been done and shared already. I hate to turn to such a boring word... but I am strangely, sadly, a little bored. Wondering what could possibly be left?
I might feel differently if I had a new home or a new little person to create for. As it stands, I just don't know what to make, cook or even buy that I haven't already made, cooked or bought already. It seems that I can't fool myself into believing that I have anything even remotely interesting to contribute anymore... I'm not going to hit on that magical thing that no one has thought of yet. And that, too, is OK. I actually have some goals and aspirations that are a lot more solid and attainable. Not this nebula of creative wonderfulness that even if I were to touch it, it would immediately slip away.
There's a word for this, right? In a rut (OK, that's a few words)? And overindulged by all of the creativity and beauty on display so free and convenient.
I don't know... what's next? I don't want to stop making. I don't want to just dive into an off the rack kind of world.
It seems a silly thing to fret about, really. But there it is. That's what all the quiet is about. If you're reading and you know the cure, by all means, I'm open to suggestions. I don't want to quit, just running on empty in this department.

Swings, Strawberries, S'Mores and Smokies

We should be packing. But, between boxes, we are playing hard, soaking up all the sweet silly that we can.