Wednesday, January 04, 2006

most years, at the end of the year, i take time to reflect. i haven't really done that yet... for last year. mostly because i've been feeling a bit negative about it all, and i hate that. but i don't want to coax out an insincere half-hearted sense of accomplishment either.
if the new year happened in the summer, i think that there would be a more fertile time for reflection- our major transitions tend to take place then. in january it's like shoving a period in the middle of a sentence. and january has always been dreaded, anyway. brady's lung collapsed the first year we were married, our car was stolen the second, we moved into a very cold house the third, the fourth was a blur, and the fifth brought the worst fight we've ever had. so, thus starts the sixth, with some apprehension.
what i have found this year is a lot of encouragement. i think that as our generation slowly replaces the old garde, society will take a new shape. i see it in the church. not any physical church, but in reading what other christians are saying
donald millera great blog with a list of great red wines, a writer after my own heart
this past year has been kind of a beginning, somehow. like i finally started to be honest about myself, there was something in me that broke and stopped trying to be someone i'm not. it's a personal victory, but it has allowed a lot more freedom and laughing than i am accustomed to. my expectations for myself have slowly started to change.
there were a few days where i just wanted to scream for not being a bigger deal, for not being more important, for not having a lot of adventures to brag about, or much to show for the life i feel like i have been working so hard at. i was so mad because because when people ask my family what i am doing, i wanted them to be able to say something quite glamorous: "editing a magazine in new york" "illustrating children's books from a mountaintop in switzerland" "drinking lots of absinthe in paris and making million dollar paintings"... but, alas, she's working in a bookstore in central north carolina. (and she's happy?)(is she going to go back to school?) (when are the going to have kids?) (why doesn't she want to teach?)
yes, she's pretty happy for now. school is doubtful. when they can. see preceding blog entry.
in actually staring those expectations square in the eye, it's easy to see how blind and self-important my aspirations were (and probably still are). it's easier to laugh without them, it's easier to sleep and love without resenting anyone for keeping me down. i think in a way, without their haunting, taunting shadows abounding, it will be easier to move on to something bigger, more solid and soulful.

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