Friday, May 05, 2006
battling the hot air. wanting without working, longing with no discipline. i am guilty of passivity, watching my life move, my body change quietly, steadily and honestly toward its ultimate destiny.
some passage in some delightful book complaining of one boys complete self-absorption at once selflessness. never moving the circumstances to his benefit, stuck in an over-analyzed paralysis. thought a lot today about the characters in my life, in the world i know. i am always chiding and mocking the sorrow of those who want something, but never make an earnest effort to obtain it. how limited are we really, except by our own attitudes?
ok, i am taken by this book, glamorous disasters. it is at first a fluffy ditty on the life of privilege i will never know. but, there is so much more, the artfully wielded vocabulary made me fall in a rare way. but what I determined is that there is no happy place on the totem pole. the wealthy are only overpriced versions of the impoverished: scandal, addiction and apathy... maybe it is the sense of stagnance, whether you are at the top or bottom, there is less fluidity- socially, financially. it could be for that that the middle class is idealized in a way... but. the apparent equilibrium is probably no more satisfying than the poles from which it tethers. total stereotypes, but well-established for a reason.
there has recently been a weird separation between a beloved mentor and myself. i am struggling against the thought that she is tired of the struggle. she is ready to see us find our way out of our humble beginnings and emerge clean, agreeable, and unproblematic.
and i can't resist equating it on some level to a class issue. i used to want to move up so badly. i, like many, worked very hard in school so that i could get into a good college, establish a career with a handsome income and so on unto death. i think that i had that in mind from age 7 up until graduating from Harding.
but the world is a different place, one i didn't plan for. and like so many, i kind of melted when it came to selecting said career. for the glut of our generation, there are no simple plans.
we keep plugging our numbers into the old equations, but i can't figure out what the answers mean. they are soft and smoky, ancient and radical.
there used to be envy, i used to read decorating magazines and fantasize about ikea and the conran shop. now, i just really want my tomatoes to grow, i want to know how many groceries i can resist buying. my burning desire is to consume far, far less. i want to make beauty out of the old and abandoned. the blinding glare of our dear economy has permanantly maimed generations of our most valuable resource- vibrant minds, new ideas.
really, i am mostly a republican (i think). i don't want to give any commie impressions. i just can't find a good argument against the claims of a rising fascism. obliquely i stare into it, stunned.
i am ready for something simper, a life without climbing and sliding. there is a vacuous nature tinging the lifestyle of most americans, there is an anti-creative force, a consuming impulse on far more than a commercial level.
there is a certain theology brewing here, or at least a personal realization of already established theologies.