Saturday, January 02, 2010

afinemess, originally uploaded by danske.

So... I have this obsession with meaning. This unsavory and fun-sucking habit of needing to know the point of everything. Along with this is a lot of unnecessary truth-telling. What I really want is to have a lot of beautiful pictures to post, images of crafty endeavors, my dear boys, my charmed days... but it's all so very heavy right now. I am not seeing things in the brightest light, my camera knows it and my fingers drag, I'm just going to be out with it. Likely if you are here, reading these words, you know the whole tangle of it anyway. But I feel a fraud without it being said.
Remember the hospital food from November? It started there, all was going along reasonably well. And Brady got a stomachache, but it was more and he ended up with a mean surgery and a pretty scar and a few weeks of short-term disability. And on his last day of recovery, he got a call telling him that he no longer had a job. For now. Along with several other colleagues, he was laid off.
Two weeks after Thanksgiving and two weeks before Christmas. ouch.
No one hires during the holidays.
But something has to be done, and done quickly, because things were tight before... now, they just can't be.
We are incredibly blessed to have a few options, but every time I think about them, weigh them, I feel sick. We have moved and moved and moved. And it's not just a matter of physically hauling our stuff, it's the effort of making a home, making our home our home in all of these different places, and the weird nausea and panic when looking at all of our stuff, in boxes, in yet another unknown place. I knew we would have to move one more time, we are renting, and even if the place were offered to us, we would not buy, but we do love it. And I wanted to stay and have another baby, and be around family a little while longer.
But that seems not to be the plan. I know full well, that my plans are pale and lifeless compared to the life the Lord has in mind for me. And I could fight to keep things comfortable, we could live beyond our means for a little while. But that would be irresponsible and an all out squandering of our future.
And we are truly blessed in that we not only have family and friends who would lovingly open their homes to us until the answers come, but we also have an opportunity to return to Winston-Salem (my not-so-secret wish for the past 2 years). But it feels so wobbly to do anything without B finding permanent and full-time employment. It scares me. No, it terrifies me. It makes me dizzy.
We are so, so tired of making what often feels like the wrong decisions. I know that it is all relative and we will never know until we can step away or hover above and see the bigger picture, but our zigzagging around the continent... how many homes? how many jobs? how many colleges??? it gets embarrassing.
So if you made it this far, you guessed it, I'm asking once again for your prayers. I know that they will not go unheard.


Maryl said...

You have my prayers. And I will try not to be selfish in my requests.

Nickolini said...

I am praying. I know you guys will find your place.

SharoniusThunk said...

how on EARTH did I miss seeing this!!??? I could have sworn I took a peek here yesterday... :((((
Ahhhh.... it is just uncanny how much your story reminds me of my story back at about the same-ish kind of age. I moved and moved and moved... and switched jobs switched jobs switched jobs... and I honestly don't know WHY or HOW it changed (notice I did even bother commenting on the "need to make meaning/understand thngs bit - cause we know too well how deep that similarity lies! :) ) but it did. It did. And the change has lasted. So I'll pray and pray and pray and just like today, things will continue to move in some direction... and that direction will be good. I'm sure of it. It has to be!!

SharoniusThunk said...

jeeeez. Did I just make myself sound old??????

Gremlina said...

oh. my...bless your heart. & life is nothing but one wobble after another. It's not what you do, where or even when--just how. so, smile? (& i dunno Maryl's angle, but ditto ;) )

Sunny said...

A million billion thanks. It looks like we are headed to NC very, very soon. I am excited to be going back, but I feel like a lot is unfinished here. I was hoping for life to operate according to my timing :)

sarah said...

hope everything is looking a little brighter for you guys! i heard through brad that you'll get a job back that you used to love, so that's great. its so funny because i struggle being content in one place for very long & always wish we could just uproot & completely start over somewhere else...reinvent ourselves. (i come up with a new plan approx. every january) but i guess i should feel blessed 'cuz moving a lot sounds super difficult. guys will be in my prayers & i can't wait to hear what is in store for you guys next!

Aaron said...

sunny. sunny. sun.

thanks for your comments, as i've just now found your blog. audrey and I graduated, rented, found jobs, bought a house, lost my job, we moved to spain, came back to berea, got jobs, lost them again, and now we took a chance at atlanta (close to her family and we prefer the south). i'm nervous as you are about things, but i couldn't put my thoughts into words until i read this post. life is strange, and you are a long-lost strange friend that i dearly respect.
have you seen the newer movie "moon"? i just watched it tonight and it made me realize that we aren't alone in this big thing called life. we are called by Christ (don't even ask me how that works) and I do believe that you and the boys are in a path that will have joys, challenges and more questions for you to ponder.
thanks again for your thoughts. and pure honesty. i wish i could learn that characteristic.