Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Big Thoughts, Light Pictures

Yeah yeah... haven't blogged in forever.
Lots of reasons. Mostly, I don't know what to say.
It's not that I don't have anything nice to say (though I am struggling to fall in love with the majesty that is Colorado)... really, I have nothing to complain about.
But whew! it's been a rather intense season. I know that I have a lot of them. I'd like to think I'm not one of those drama people, but my life never seems short of it no matter how I loathe the stuff.

When Jesus promised life to the fullest, there is no denying he wasn't kidding. But this new turn, this is big. So big. I have never felt normal... and maybe, who does? I supposed a certain sort of life when I was a teenager, but never until maybe a year ago, could I see the connect. But there is a sudden largeness.
Being separated from Brady for 7+ months was a challenge, but compared to the weeks following our reunion, the separation in many ways, was the easy part. I was in no way prepared for that.
And it's not that we don't still love each other. a lot! ... it's just that we kind of had to establish individual identities in the other's absence. I thought I was just staying busy and trying to pass the time as quickly and distractedly as possible, but I established routines and habits and expectations that never existed before. And so did he.

And he got to do a lot of stuff that he never would have if we were living as a family unit- nothing wrong, just being social. Hanging out with friends in soldierly fashion.
I can get jealous. I don't want to be that girl, but it does happen.
We have to rebuild trust from a weird place. What I feared more than another woman was that he would prefer the bachelor life to life with his family. Not many are afforded that kind of extended vacation from regular life. And perhaps it's not fair to call it a vacation, but on the weekends... it totally was.
So anyway- this place that we are in has been pretty consuming. It sounds like a bad thing, but actually, it's not. I was telling Brady's grandmother that it's funny, having to get to know your husband again after 11 years of marriage- one would think a measly seven months wouldn't count for much. She laughed in her wise way and said- "It's like another honeymoon."

And she's totally right. I don't know about yours- but for all the fun that was had in the first few months of our marriage, there was a lot of "adjusting" that included door slamming, yelling and crying. And believe me, I love this man to death and marrying him is one of the top most best things in my life. Maybe it's just me. I don't like change. If I won the lottery I would probably cry for days. No lie.
Anyway. Marriage is a story. I like our story, but sometimes one feels like they're living that scene in Indiana Jones where they're crossing over a pit of raging crocodiles on a skimpy rotting rope bridge.
But all I can tell you on this front is that, God answers prayers. It's not like I prayed to get an A on a test then studied my butt off and got an A... nope. I've been totally lost in the face of this. Helpless, had nothing at all to offer, no effort to make. On so many occasions, we just couldn't see eye to eye. I would fill up with fear and anger, helpless to open up or let anything in.

I don't know why I'm here baring the details of our marriage... if only to let you know that in spite of challenges- big hungry crocodile sized fears, and the faith of a rotten bridge, God has provided. He is providing. We are growing. More togetherly now, thankfully. And we're a living story worth telling. Maybe you can relate. You probably have a story, too... one where He provided so much more than you ever could have hoped for. I hope that is your story, too.


Lacey said...

thanks for sharing Sunny. my sister's husband is in the military and I wondered if the re-communion wasn't harder than the time away. I know that sometimes even just a long day apart can do this to Drew and I & 7 months is something I can't begin to wrap my head around. Sometimes after 10 years of marriage I look at Drew like I met him yesterday... I'll be praying for your unit. oh, and thanks for blogging period--I've been aching for a carrot!

Sharon in Winston said...

Whew girlie. I've been wondering... and not even about the specifics - just generally wondering... but this is pretty much completely huger than anything I might have wondered about. It's good to admit it (step one :) ) and get it on paper. I forget that that was the sole reason I started blogging to begin with. Just to admit stuff. And then after that there seems to be a turn, so I hope that's the case. And I know the turn will be one that takes you up, too.
xoxoxox from way out here on the east coast!

Sunny said...

Thanks guys- it's always so great to know that there are people rooting for you. When you know not a soul outside your home for over a thousand miles, it's easy to feel like you've slipped off the planet. Love you both!

Maryl said...

Reading this 2 months after you posted. Your honest always touches me. Now I know what some of my midnight prayers were about.

Sunny said...

Thank you so much for your attentiveness and faithfulness... we SOOOO needed those prayers, and they have truly changed everything.