besprent

there are a number of things on my mind. it's nothing new really... they are these puzzles that i continually wrestle with.
1. family. mine, yours, the concept... how it ever works, what it's supposed to look
like.
2. church. pretty much the same as family.
3. money, but not what you think. the system, the function, how to make it feel less
bad and more good, and what's enough and not enough.
4. career vs. talent, how to make it work in this society. what to do when it feels
like i have no technical skills... but something makes me seem pretty smart, yet
almost completely unemployable.
5. education. the public education system, is college necessary? what am i supposed
to do now that i am an embarrassingly large amount of money in debt for a great
education that i cannot seem to use to find a job that even begins to pay off
the initial investment.
6. art. besides people and words, it's the thing i love most in the world. not really
making it. i make it like i write, though. not to share, but just because
sometimes i run out of words for the running monologue within. and to shut it up
is like putting up a bunch of walls and the stuff trapped stagnates and makes me
all trite and angry and jaded. it's this ooze that i have to let out or i get
infected with a quiet, spreading rage that eats holes and pusses up and grows
like a cancer in my heart.
it's funny, though, you would expect this kind of exorcism to look pretty
grotesque, but what i draw is mainly happy looking.
what i like to draw: people (figures and faces), lamps, chairs and buildings.
what i like to photograph: people (up close), water, buildings with shadows on
them, lines (telephone, electricity)
what i like to paint: not much.. it's too messy. but when i paint and i like it,
it's mostly about the colors, i could never get form and color to get along very
well.
but, what i'm really saying about art is what's the point? our society seems to give it this madonna-whore stigma. it is either completely holy and good and made for the insanely wealthy- a total elitist commodity, or it is degenerate and horrifying (which i think a lot of it really is)... a lot of recent pieces seem to be both.
i invested a lot into being educated about art, and i am pretty sure i came out with far more questions than i had before said education. maybe that is the definition of failure... but i prefer to think of it as a step closer to enlightenment (at least on this subject). i think that the reason it is so bewildering and mysterious is that it has so much to do with the soul. which i consider the second greatest mystery. God being the first.
7. community- i don't see very much of it. most of us are so isolated. we go out and buy things where other people are, but even then there is a sincere effort by most to keep social interaction at the least commom denominator. how can it be rebuilt? according to all of my grandmothers it really did exist in this country awhile ago.

i could wax metaphysical gas all day, but i will stop here for now. and try to scrub away the weight of all these riddles.