Thursday, December 01, 2005

*$#@! scanner. i even drew a picture for this one. sorry.
i think the thing with my riddle in the last post is that i think somehow there is an answer that could tie them all together. family, art, career, money, church, community. somehow. dreamers.... i just feel like i know enough other people in a similar situation. but i can't figure out how to unify, or create capital. it's a knot i'm always trying to untie, but it seems to get more tangled and complicated despite my efforts. in high school, a couple of my friends and i were going to start an orphanage, and then we decided to add a restaurant, and then i threw in an art gallery and sustainable gardens and a farm, a bakery and a women's shelter. and it was a beautiful idea... then i started to worry that maybe i just wanted to be a cult leader. which i actually do not. and i had to do a lot of other things like go to college and get married and work to pay all those fantastic bills. and now i would very much like to (Lord willing) have a baby. and you know, everyone else is kind of like that, too. bogged down in grown-uppedness.
i think in a way, the chaos thus far will eventually make sense. like there was a magnificently crafted syllabus all along. but i am very impatient.
kierkegaard is on ny fridge, he said this: Life must be understood backward: but... it must be lived forward.
it's really not that deep, just a reminder that there is no sense trying to figure out why things aren't exactly what i had in mind.
my little brother wrote somewhere that his greatest fear was a wasted life. i don't know that i have ever been so proud of him as i was when i read those words. i would love to argue that no life is wasted, but... i think that the best intentions are so easily smothered and washed away and ignored. maybe this is my undying optimism talking, but it seems that very many of us humans live in this tiny cage among the universal expanse of our lives. there is so much potential for greatness in every person, yet the big joke is that we never figure out what it is. or we believe the lies in our head that there really isn't anything genuinely special in there. and we all have these demons it seems. like self-loathing and addictions to all kinds of things: money, attention, success, bad relationships, gluttony, porn, chemicals... and we make little tiny cages out of them. and we curl up and wait until it's all over, so we don't have to fight anymore.
i'm definitely not arguing that everyone is in this predicament. but i know and love far too many people that are.
so... back to my riddle. somewhere in my small mind, i am convinced that We can create this place that will maybe help a few people out of their cages, a place where it's possible to imagine something more. a system that does not run at the expense of humanity and the watery ball we're spinning on.

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