Sunday, March 05, 2006

irony. when the most dreaded, feared circumstances come to fruition, only to bring enormous relief and a sense of renewed hope. at least, the irony in my life today.
i only know of a couple of faithful readers here : ), and i think they alread know all of the specifics.
but i could not dream that papers delivered could lead to talk of recovery, to a hesitant excitement about change, about healing, about facing the demons and taking them by your hand. it's still talk, but i am still young, and still full of hope.
i could not dream that a young man's doubtful questions about salvation- that his reservations about generally accepted doctrine could lead to baptism, could lead to such a bold. humbling and selfless statement of faith.
i could not dream that one man's (at once) surrender and confrontation to a cruel and blind institution could coax out the words i have been begging to hear for at least 4 years. the words that affirm that we are here for enormous reasons. that we are breathing this air to gamble our lives for the sake of goodness, truth and honesty, heartbreaking beauty. the words that said what we have been given we will not bury and keep safe, but we will invest at a risk and with hope of gigantic gain. here to give, here to lose, here to spend all the health wealth, grace and love we ourselves have been given. here to use the life we know... not to squirrel it away with hopes of comfort, mediocrity but to toss to the wind.... to live in a constant state of release.
i fell in love with a boy who promised we would be dangerous together. but, together we hoped to be safe. together we wanted to pay the bills and blend in. we're tired already from that colorless cold scene, the farcical living, the bad dream of fitting in.
we're tired, but suddenly more alive. more hopeful, more awake. carrying our lanterns through the dark night, wide-eyed heart pounding. knowing that the worst will slide away and the Great will sink in. maybe tonight.

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