Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Seriously, Just Look at the Pictures. Or, Why Happy Blogs Depress Me

we eat a lot of yogurt and dream of home grown tomatoes

I've been having a weird 21st century struggle... depressed by the internet. I used to think I had some pretty brilliant ideas, I used to think I was a decent writer and had potential as an art-making-person (still can't handle the A word, though). Used to.

i love my clothesline and watching the magpies fall off of the bird feeder

I mostly quit blog reading for about a year, and it felt really good. But I was superbusy, totally occupied. Then we moved to Colorado and I felt so isolated and friendless. So I turned to my imaginary friends in the blog world... who don't even know they're my friends because I almost never comment (another itchy thing). But then I noticed a white noise frequency of sadness, disappointment with myself, deepened loneliness.

Natty, vacuum, junk on the floor.

It was how perfect everyone else's life appears to be. I know that there are struggles and disappointments and bad days... but that is not what blogs are for, right? They're for being positive, lovely and inspiring. I often wonder about the motives for blogging... for many, self promotion, or a place to make a small bit of (hard earned!) income by attracting sponsors and advertisers. I do it to keep a record of my life without having to make a big scrapbooking mess in my house, I do it in case my Grandma gets her computer fixed and she can check in on her great grand-boy. I used to do it for accountability.  I guess I do it for the same reason we like to look in the mirror- to make sure I'm really here.  I do it for reflection.

dreams in peat pots

I wanted to do it to share, I wanted people to see how creative I was, and what a great sense of style I have. Well... it turns out- I'm not. And I don't. Whew! Saying that really does take a load off.
I am a people pleaser, an achiever, a perfectionist. So naturally, I struggle big time with expectations, and my own are the absolute worst. I try to compete with people who don't even know that I exist. How weird is that?I wonder if I am alone in this strange habit, or if this is an actual phenomena.

stacks of things, furniture dreaming of reupholstering
Anyway, I am excited about this series thing in the blog world- Things I'm Afraid to Tell You because it's kind of where all these happy, focused, beautiful-lifed bloggers confess that they are not perfect and their life is messy sometimes. That I can compete with.

fruit, the letter T made of grill utensils

Maybe it's a little like the tabloids that show celebrities without make-up or at the beach with fat rolls and cellulite and no Photoshop. But it's just so, so very nice to hear that one is not alone in her fears, her inadequacies and odd quirks.


In light of my self awarded metal of messy-lifeness, I've given you an Edward guided tour of our Colorado home life, right now. I have for years dreamed of the day I could get our home just-so, I could pull all of my vintage treasures together and make them look clean, curated, classic and not like some Grandma's attic had a baby with a preschool and dressed it with flimsy Target furniture. But alas... I'm just way too cheap and distracted.
I'm not quitting the internets or my quest for a cute home- no way. I totally love it here. I am just thankful for the dose of perspective.


Anonymous said...

i compete with them too--i especially get depressed when they are getting pregnant and traveling abroad--this is beth by the way love you lady and miss the heck out of you

Sunny said...

BETH!!! I love you, too friend and miss you so much. Glad I'm not alone- I am now envious of those things, too :/

Garnet Goldman said...

dear beautiful and brave sunny...you are so much fun and i love you. funny thing is, i see vintage and crispy things out in the world and they instantly make me think of you. when i see lovingly prepared healthy food and sweet linen fabrics, i think of you. when i see pretty crafts with tidy stiches i think of you. your flavor transends a messy house that may not be how you really want it. your just cool and ya can't hide it.

Sunny said...

Garnet- how do you always make me laugh and cry at the same time? I miss our mornings SO SO much.

Lacey said...

i have a funny thing for you. this post is funny to me too. i try to balance semi-charmed posts with reality posts. it's a mix in everyone's reality. I've gotten really good at angling the camera just so, moving a few pieces of trash to the side, and using the 'soft focus' feature when editing the pics. it's more for my sake, if the blog looks remotely clean i feel as though there's one thing in my life i can keep tidy...

Alia Joy said...

Thanks for the linky blog love. I just read this post and loved it. And I love the idea of things I am afraid to tell you because the truth is we all kind of stink in our own way. I don't do many home pictures because my home is always catastrophically dirty but I do take pics in my yard when my garden is in bloom. I think we all want to show our best side but the real connection comes in our mess, our scars, our stains on our clothes and piles of laundry. And believe me, I've got them all! So excited to meet you and get a glimpse into your real.